Black Fathers

Black Fathers

Richard Dodds :

This is still talking Black the show about bringing awareness and perspectives to issues that black people face every day. I’m your host, Richard Dodds. We don’t always understand the things that black fathers have to go through. Thinking back about me and my own father’s relationship. When I was growing up, he was always there, but in the early years he was always working. So when I would get home, he would be sleep and then when I got up he would be gone at work. I knew that I loved my dad, but I never got to see him, so we didn’t really get a chance to build that bond. But little did I know or even understand at that at that young age or comprehend was that my dad was working to make sure that our family was provided for. Once my dad finally got into the position where he no longer had to take the night shifts and he could spend time with the family and work regular day shifts, I really, I knew that I loved them, but I really didn’t have a relationship with him. And one of the ways that my dad started to build that relationship with us is that he started to take me to the movies. And I remember the first time he invited me to a movie I was kind of reluctant to go. But I went and we had so much fun at the movie, breaking it down, talking about the different parts of the movie, and we saw how much we had in common because we were really getting to know each other on a different level than we had before it became it was no longer just father and son. It was really like a friendship that we were building. And we ended up dollar movies was a thing back then. We would go see like two or three movies every weekend just to. Find an excuse to spend more time with each other. You know, looking back now, I really appreciate my dad working even more because I understand the sacrifice that he made by taking those shifts to make sure that he could get that extra bonus to provide for his family. And even understanding that as much as I wanted to see him, he wanted to see me more and it was really a sacrifice for him. To do that thing, not just on the body of the labor, have to not work the late hours, but all the time that he didn’t get to spend with me growing up. And I just, you know, I really appreciate my father for that. I’m very thankful not just for that but for many things. So happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there, pops, of you listening, I love you. This is a very special Father’s Day episode. I’m currently still working on season 2, but I wanted to drop one more episode into the season to put a cap on the whole thing. Last year I was able to do a special series from others, but this year I wanted to make sure I did something that involved fathers. So I got a few of my friends together and I interviewed them all separately and I combined all of their answers into one interview and I would like to thank. Chris, Trey and Dave for taking the time to sit down and talk to me about issues that face black fathers today. I hope that you enjoy it. Without further ado, here we go.
 
 

Trey :

So I have 3 children my oldest is 11 which is my daughter and I got two sons, one is 7 and one is 4.
 
 

Dave :

So I have one daughter. She’s just a year old now.
 
 

Chris :

I have three beautiful kids. They are, they vary in aid. So my first child, my first born, he’s 15 now. He was a special needs kid. So he was born 1 pound nine ounce. He was a 26 weeker. He’s nonverbal and autistic and has a DHD So he’s like he’s almost like my forever child. But he’s not. He’s growing and he does so much and he he’s a triumph. Then I have my 11 year old daughter who is. She’s like, she’s very much the head of her siblings. She’s 11. She’s boisterous, She’s introverted but like boisterous around the people that she’s around. She’s cool at home, but like outside she’s like, I don’t really talk to anybody supremely talented, does a lot of dance and acting things and stuff like that. And then there’s my 5 year old Logan. Logan is a wild card in every sense of the word. I love how free he is. He don’t care about nothing so but he’s so. He’s so caring. He just don’t care about what anybody else thinks and I love that and I hope to keep that in him for as long as possible. The word father to me was originally meant a lot of spiritual connotations because of church growing up. It was definitely one of a person for protector, someone who offers like guidance but not really. Seeing that made that a myth. So for me, Father. Is somewhat the same, but i think it’s more of like realistic guidance. So when I think about fatherhood, I think about realistic guidance.
 
 

Trey :

Father Out standing meal figure, role model, Just everything.
 
 

Dave :

Father means, I fe el like the ultimate bond, the ultimate authority figure, you know, the father in the household is has definitely changed. I see around like even duty wise like fathers do a lot. It definitely the head honcho, the centerpiece, the person who starts it all a lot of times the father will kick off the growth and development of the child.
 
 

Chris :

The role of a father to me depends on my setup, right? It’s like personally for my setup, I am married and I have the kids and we’re all in the same household. So a part of my fatherhood is not only guiding my children, but more so listening to them and how they develop and offering ways to guide them. And it includes being a good husband too, because I have to work well with my wife to show my kids structure, right? We have to appear on the same page, and that’s how they gain their trust in me. If they see that someone else trusts me like their mother, they’re more they’re more willing to trust me as well.
 
 

Trey :

I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad growing up as a kid. You know, it was, it was different, like he was there physically, but he wasn’t there, you know. And you know, they got a divorce. Let me see, I was about eleven. And then that kind of affected me too. So I kind of like with my mom at that point, it made me want to be involved in my kids way more. Definitely wanted to. Be around them as much, you know, Spend as much time with them as possible, teaching them everything they need, you know, need to know. Just love them, you know, unconditionally, you know, no matter what. And part of that too, is just having a strong foundation of evil. With me and Candace, you know, I think it’s very important that, you know, people who are married try to stay married, especially if you got children. Because, I mean, kids, look at that, right? When my mom passed, it’s about 21 Me and my father just became close, you know, closer than what it was. We started to grow a relationship bit relationship, you know, we talked about many things and you know, kind of sat down and just tell them how I felt as a person, as a son, as individual. And it’s gotten a lot better now. Like I love my father’s death, you know, now that we, you know, can see on the same level it’s different. And plus I got kids now, so. My kids didn’t get the experience. The grandmothers, they got the grandfather, which is him so. And I think now he started to realize that he wants to be more part of my life because of his grandchildren. So, you know, I appreciate that he still could have been, you know, absent or whatever the case is, you know.
 
 

Chris :

The experience that I had with my father, it it’s I think for me it’s the it’s the what if my father felt like. My father felt like Bo Jackson’s career, right? amazing. And then Bo Jackson got injured and it’s like, yo, what would have happened if he would have stayed consistent? He would have been great. And so that’s how my father was. He was he was a brilliant mind. He was a playwright, he was all these things. But he was, he was, he lacked consistency. He lacked presence in a lot of ways. So by the time we got close, I was 20, I was like 25 and we would actually remain. We would grow closer and we were great friends it was kind of father son not really but it was more so like he was a mentor friend and he passed away like when I was 31 in 2011 so from that so I have like a complete thing of my father I have a complete you know his story starts and ends right. So if I what I learned from that is to be consistent. I think being there and consistent is the most important thing. You know, even if you’re not liked all the time, even if you’re not cool being consistent because it all comes around at some point, My bitterness towards my father melted. It had a lot to do with accountability, but it melted and we were able to have a relationship as adults. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t smooth throughout my life.
 
 

Dave :

One thing that. My dad was very big on, was hard working. Dad didn’t make too many excuses. If it was something that needed to be done, he got it done. I know there were other areas where maybe he lacked in terms of maybe, you know, showing affection and care. He did show it, you know, I think that’s where my personality differed from my dad. But no, i learned the value of hard work. I learned the value of integrity in terms of. You know, being honest and very upfront in terms of what you do and then who you deal with and just overall just being a person. That’s true of the word. Now I honestly, obviously every parent has their flaws and such, but I definitely learned a lot of those really strong principles in terms of work ethic and that for my father it puts me in a position where you know I want. To not only be caring because that’s from my side, my personality, caring for my children, but I also want to teach them how to fish. You know, I don’t want to hand them the fish. I want to teach them how to fish and I want them to be the best fishermen out there. You know, if I was to put it in any term, but I also want some to think very, you know, nonconventionally in the sense of. Being able to think outside the box. Because now we live in a society where creative ways of thinking and just thinking unconventionally isn’t common. Or just, you know, using their minds to really analytically think about something. And not taking things for face value. Because I think that’s what a lot of people do. And we really lost that critical thinking skill set that I think a lot of people, some people grew up with and some didn’t. But I think the reason why a lot of people who don’t really progress is because they don’t want to evolve in some aspects of where they may fall short. And thought processes and mindset are big. I think in our community, I think in my head I always wanted to be. I always wanted to have children. A lot of people don’t think about what it means to be a father because anybody can be. To say, you know, a sperm donor or, you know, create a child. But to be an actual parent and father, I think as a child, you don’t always think about it. Even as a young adult, you don’t always think about it. Initially, I didn’t think about what it meant to be a father before I actually became one. You know, I didn’t think intently in it, I would say as the reality set in and I’m like, oh wow, i’m actual dad now. Have a wife. Like, you know, it’s different when you get married, you have your wife and you guys are having fun. But now it’s like, wow, now there’s a little us running around and she calls me dad. So yeah, it definitely is different once it’s a reality right in front of you.
 
 

Trey :

I never seen myself having kids, but it’s like the moment that they touch the world. I mean your whole, your whole perspective just change like and it’s not just changing just for anything. It’s changing for the better. You mean it changed you like completely you know, when I first lay, I asked with my daughter, my first born, It was like a feeling like no other. It was, you know, hesitant, nervous, didn’t know what to expect. But like, the moment she came out, like all that went away. It just like I knew right in and there what I was supposed to do. It was different, man. Everybody changed. But now, you know, Yeah, definitely. It got two more. And you know, it’s beautiful, you know.
 
 

Chris :

Yes, actually, I have always wanted to be a father. It’s not anything that I thought of at an early age. I think that I embraced my childhood. I embraced my young adulthood. When you know, my wife and I were talking about getting married at the time, I’m like, yeah, we have some kids. Let’s do it. And it became, but it it’s a difference how I felt before I had kids that after I had kids. I think before I had kids, it was like, Oh yeah, this would be cool things like that. And then after I had kids, it just became this feeling of purpose and i feel like it was so important and I took it seriously but it’s still fun. But I just took it more seriously in the sense of the importance of being there for my children and being an example for them. You know and there’s no quote unquote right time to be a you can have a father that and you can have a child at any time and just accept it. There are a lot of people I know who had kids at an early age and they stepped up. The responsibilities. There are people who I know who had kids at 30 and were complete deadbeats, you know what I’m saying? So it’s never about timing. It’s just about the acceptance of responsibility and love.
 
 

Trey :

The father that thought I. Would be not mature enough. Only because I had kids in my mid twenties starting off and at that point I was just now figuring out life, You know, life had just hit me. So to speak. You know, I lost my mom like 4 years prior to that and kind of had started out being on my own and just trying to figure out who I was. So you know, when my daughter came, but I just, I didn’t know what kind of that I was going to be. But you know, now, eleven years later, I think I’ve done a good job so far and you know, just continuation to keep going and you know, you get those days where it’s challenging and you know, some days be easier than others, but you know now it’s a. It’s worth it. I put it to you, it’s worth it.
 
 

Dave :

I thought I would definitely be a caring father. I know that’s in my nature is to be very caring loving, supportive, very protective but not like overly protective. You know I think every dad has a protective bone in their body but they don’t know the what extreme they’ll take you know whether it be daughter or son alike. I always wanted to be the dad that. Would have those necessarily profound things to say to your child because not really what you say is the example you set. Because I can say a lot of things, but if the child sees differently, just like if you saw differently in any young growing mind, you would, you would think a certain way. But I wanted to be the example of my child so they can look back and say, you know, i really was fed not just food but. I was fed properly how to not only be independent on my own, but how to really think for oneself and grow as a very genuine human being.
 
 

Chris :

I grew up with my father, I like to say, make guest appearances in my life. He was cool, but he wasn’t around enough because he had, I had like 10 other siblings to deal with 9 different baby mothers. So he was. He was out here. He was, he was in the streets. He was for the streets. And then my stepdad, my stepdad was a drug addict and he was also a volatile drug addict too. So he wasn’t exactly a shining example of fatherhood. So I think, but what I learned for both of them was what not to do. So me being a father offered the chance for me to heal my childhood wounds, because I think the best way to honor something. Is to do what you needed to be that you would have wished had done for you know? So that’s what I do. I try to deal with my children with a level of empathy and understanding because I know I did not have that. I did not have a sense of freedom. I did not have a sense of encouragement. And so I want to give that to my children. And it’s something that I’m constantly mindful of. Being a black father means completely different things. I was talking about this with a friend of mine who’s a white guy. And I was like, hey you. At some point. The difference between you and I is that at one point we all got to have a talk with our children about the safety of being unjustly killed, you know, or assaulted in certain ways by cops. You know, like everybody, you know, we all know the stories of people like Tamara Rice and many others. I don’t want to have to get into it right, but it’s things like that these kids were innocent children just living. And white kids get to kind of live in ways and test the waters, you know what I’m saying? Like, you know, certain white kids could, you know, I guess, pick up a gun and travel to another state and shoot people at a rally, you know what I’m saying? And they’ll be fine because boys will be boys. But my child can’t have a toy gun, you know? So I think it’s important to have that conversation, which is it’s unfortunate because in the sense it robs them of their innocence. I really dread to my sweet kids. I really dread explaining to my 5 year old who’s such a burst of like positive energy. He’s the kid that runs up to everybody and he’s your friend and he introduces himself and I and even from then I kind of had to warn him like, hey, I don’t tell him why, but it’s like, hey, don’t run to everybody, you know. But then at some point I have to tell him like, hey, this world is going to view you as a danger. And no matter what your intentions are, you have to understand that some people are going to fear you just by pure existence of who you are. You know, my daughter has an idea because she’s 11, she’s a bit older and we have those talks with her and she’s cool about it. So yeah, it’s just, it’s all a thing where we have to we have a certain level of there’s a certain level of protection and danger that we have as a black father.
 
 

Dave :

Being black in general means a lot. It’s one of those things that you definitely can’t take lightly because no matter how much or I mean if someone was to run away from their own, you know, background or culture, it’s always around them. When you look around you, there’s evidence and there’s people. Everything is going to remind you of your culture and where you come from it means to be, you know, strong. You have to be strong. And I think that’s something that the type of strength that I’m Speaking of is not only from, you know, a physical perspective, but also a mental perspective to be able to withstand so many changes. I mean when we look back in the day before we were, you know, thought of the civil rights movement and everything being a strong black dad was just common, you know. There’s certain things and certain battles we don’t have to fight now, but there are new battles that are emerging that we do have to fight. And I think that is important that we stay in the loop of what it means to be not only a black dad in America, just being black overall in America and how it affects us and our people.
 
 

Trey :

With my son, you know, as being the black dad, he has problems with his teacher. You know, his teacher is white and the first school he went to, you know, was predominantly black. So just that whole transition is it was kind of different. And I kind of had to explain to him like, hey, cars, you know, they human just like us. They just got a different skin color, that’s all. And you know now you start to understand the concept, but I think as you get older it’ll become better. But yeah, that’s definitely a challenge for me, man. You know it’s definitely the raising the two boys and like I said as we. You know, going to the future and as I get older and when they become no more challenged with things in life or when they face things or you know, things that they come across, I think it’d be different. You know, I’ll have to see how would that, you know, play out or how would I react to it.
 
 

Chris :

My latest issue that I’m having right now is because of the world as it looks right now, especially in the US You look at all the mass shootings, you look at everything going around, even for my children growing up in the suburbs, like no one’s safe when it comes to America and it every time after there’s a mass shooting, especially in the school or something like that, it’s always a little anxiety ridden. I always have like an anxiety ridden drop off when I’m dropping off my kids the next day because I’m thinking about all those parents who thought they were going to get their kids back after school after dropping them off. And I think about that as I said wave goodbye to my children. You know, and recently I’ve thought about, I’ve talked to my wife about leaving America for safer pastures because my loyalty to my family, my external family, is not more important than the safety of my children. If it came to a situation where it’s my kids or, you know, my crew, a crew got to go, you know what I’m saying? So, like, I don’t, after a while, I’m wondering how beneficial is being here for me and for my children? I like the Peace of Mind and knowing my kids are going to come home or that or that. That’s not an option. You know what I’m saying? Like people can. People could pass any day for any reason. I just want to remove one of the reasons, you know what I’m saying? So that’s that. Anytime I’m like looking at things like, you know, cops shoot some kid or. A mass shooting, it does it brings my word to my children to the forefront because I see myself, I see my kids and those kids no matter what, like we don’t matter the demographic. These are children, you know what I’m saying? And nobody deserves to lose their life. And i think about that and it makes me, obviously it makes me worry for my kids. But you know, in the sense it makes me honor my children as well, you know, they always say when someone like hug your kids a little closer. And I do that, I do that. It’s so important to do it cherish. I remove all my children.
 
 

Trey :

You know, now as a father, you look at the world differently like you, because it’s not just about you know, you got others to look out for, to look after and to protect. You know, I get that some things are out of our control, but that was to happen or things that have been happening. It’s just, it’s just, it’s just like you worry, you worry about it. You know, it’s tough because it’s like before kids. I don’t think I would have been like as intuitive as I am now. Like I actually follow the stuff like that. And you know, I try to keep up to date with it because you know where we live in this, it’s crazy world, man. It’s definitely crazy world. Especially now in these times, it’s a lot have changed, a lot have definitely changed. And I mean that’s why I, you know, I got to be here for my kids and. Make sure that they doing the right things.
 
 

Dave :

It’s one thing as you know, someone that you’re saying, and that’s trauma in itself. Someone of your same age group and color being slain by, whether it be police brutality or unidentified, you know, identity crisis or whatever, Just being in the wrong place at the wrong time, things happen. But as a father, when you see someone’s child. It’s just scary. Like there’s certain things that is unimaginable and I don’t even know what I would do or how I would react to such a thing if anything happened to my wife or my daughter. But yeah, definitely as a father, you know, you don’t want anything to happen to your kids. Yeah, it’s tough. It makes it really puts on your very overprotective hat where you start to really think. About where you can you want to shield your children from all of these potential dangers that can befall them, but you also want them to be equipped with the right tools so that they can handle certain things on their own, you know, or everything on their own for that matter, eventually. So yeah, it’s scary. It’s tough, you know, and i mean how can you have a conversation about racism with your child like is that’s. I think that’s really the biggest thing is like how do you start that conversation and then where do you go from there? You know, how do you really express the definition of hate and what that means now versus what it meant back then. Like they say, like you know, the hate was always there, but now we have a better camera phone, we have better audio, better visuals. So you can see a lot of it first hand, you know 4D or 4K but. I think just, I just want it’s one of those things that I think a lot of people don’t really. It’s hard to really explain to a child, you know, why someone can, you know, not accept them for the color of their skin when growing up. That’s not something that you’re taught, you know, at least you know innately growing up you don’t. You don’t come out of the womb with hate and hatred and racism. We don’t see colors as if anything is black. It’s everything is. You know, in black or white that way. So yeah, I think it’s just very difficult to explain, you know the reasonings and logic behind it, but it’s something that you have to have that conversation because I think the scariest thing. As if, like we were saying before, as if it does happen and you didn’t have that conversation and then that leads to one of those events that we dread the most of, especially happened to our children.
 
 

Chris :

When I found out I was going to be a dad, i was like, yeah, this is awesome. And two days later I got fired from my job like 2 days and I was like. Oh shit. I’m going to be a dead beat. Like I don’t want to be this guy. So I remember coming home immediately printing out all the, you know, every last resume that I had right. I must have had like twenty thirty resumes and put it in the briefcase. I’m dating myself. I put it in the briefcase with a suit and I went walking downtown in the streets of Chicago. I ain’t come back till I had something, bro. Like i was there dead. It took me 3 days to find a new job. And that’s a lot. That’s I was outside, you know, but I was it was the sense of urgency because I didn’t want my child to feel unsafe or I didn’t want like the thought of him because my child had hadn’t even developed yet. But I didn’t want him to come into a space where I was not prepared to take care of him. And that was the fear that I had now when he was born. It was just I wanted to be alive. We know how to fight for ourselves. We know how to dodge trouble. But it’s another thing when you have to lose control and let and trust the universe, trust God more, right? Like I don’t know what’s going to happen. I think that everything for me happens for me in the in this and not saying that I want my children to face any harm, but I think having my first son born under such traumatic circumstances taught me a lesson on top that I don’t control anything. You know what I’m saying it is up to you know, granted I will help him live that you know the NICU was a very heavy place where they say you know if you don’t hold your child like child’s respond to being touched and held, if people who didn’t help hold their children died like the children died if they weren’t held. So we realized the importance of being there for our children and holding them and being supportive and positive vibes and all that. But also, we couldn’t control the outcome, you know. And so being that I can’t control the outcome, and being faced with a level of mortality from such an early age taught me that I can’t control things. It taught me that I just have to be, you know, move forward and trust the universe, trust the fact that my baby’s going to be safe, you know, does it, does it ease any of my worries when they go to school? no. But it’s something to think back on. It’s an example if he can make it do that, you can make it back home.
 
 

Trey :

As a parent, you always going to worry. So like, we used to worry about little stuff. Her first time. She threw up, came to her nose and we freaked out and I was like, Oh my God, like, I’m, I don’t know if that’s supposed to happen like that, dude. We took it to the we used to be in the every of the week and they used to be like. Can I ask you all the question? Like, yeah, it’s like y’all first time parents. It’s like, Yup. It’s like I knew it was like she’s OK, she’s fine. Like only bring her in if it’s critical, she’s bleeding, stuff like that. But I think I always worry and just as a parent in general that’s think that’s just natural because you never know the spec. You know, your kids go outside every day, they go to school, you know now mass shootings all the time. Kids get snatched up. I mean you always worrying about something you know or is. You know, school should go to those words like are you getting bullied, are you picked on or, you know, people being racist to, you know, stuff like that. So it’s different.
 
 

Chris :

My biggest fear, I guess with any perfectionist i felt like I wasn’t sure if I could meet up to the challenge, if that makes any sense. I knew that would be there. I would do any and everything that was necessary, but in my eyes I was wondering if it would be enough, you know? You know, in the back of your mind, I was like, well, I never did that. I don’t know like how this is gonna be. So just a couple of those Just uncertainties. I think a lot of new parents have, not just, you know, Dad’s like, but just new parents have uncertainties. My favorite.
 
 

Trey :

Thing about being a father is being there, you know, being dad, you know, just the love that they instill no coming home from work and they wait on you in the windows like, oh, Dad’s here. Just that feeling, man, is it’s unexplainable, you know? And going back to that story, you know, when I was laid off, you know, that was like the longest time I ever been off work in my whole entire life. And the fact that I have children now actually gave me the ability to be around them more than ever. You know, I got to spend every single day with them for what, a year and a half? I mean, that’s amazing. I can’t take that time back. I love that time. It was well appreciated. You know, just think of, like, hey, you know. Look at it in a good way. Don’t look at it in a bad way. You know, cars. It sucks to be off work. But then the benefit of it was I could even spend a lot more time in my family. Like time I would not ever spend. Like I could take a full of my vacation and not have enough time like that, you know? So that was just a blessing in disguise.
 
 

Dave :

Seeing my daughter grow, it’s just it’s a beautiful thing and it’s like every day when I come home from work or you just even when I’m just. At home and nothing is going on. I just like sometimes I’ll stop and embrace it and look at my wife, you know, and daughter over there or you know, or my daughter runs to me because she’s walking now, walking over to me. And it really is like, wow, i’m a dad and this is my life. This is my family. This is what, you know I created and it just. You know, I’m not, I’m not a big crier, but it definitely, it definitely pulls on some heartstrings and it makes me like, really be appreciative and have a lot of gratitude.
 
 

Chris :

My kids are hilarious in their own ways. I think that you know my daughter. I was just thinking earlier that my daughter should probably grow up and do stand up. She’s such a shady. She’s a jerk. But I love her. She’s a loving kid. My son Logan is hilarious and he just has his ways. And I love. There’s so many things I love about being a father, but I think being able to be there, laugh at them, laugh with them and have conversation with them, no matter how silly or how serious the conversations are. Those are my favorite parts about being a father, because I get to be present like these kids know me and know me well, you know? And that’s just the fun part. I think that’s it’s all good. Like, it’s frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, like it’s frustrating and I miss my sleep schedule. I really do. But i love these kids, man. I really do. I love my babies.
 
 

Richard Dodds : 

So again, I would like to thank Dave, Trey and Chris for contributing to this episode and another Happy Father’s Day to all of the fathers. Thank you everyone for listening. Still Talking Black is a Crown Culture Media, LLC. Production is produced by me, Richard Dodds. Our theme music was produced by the DJ Blue. You can find out even more about the show at Still Talking black.com but until next time, keep talking.