In this episode, I am joined by the hosts and producers of the Full-Time Black Woman podcast to talk about what it means to protect our Black women and how we do it.
Show your Support:
If you like what we’re doing here on Still Talking Black, one of the best ways to support the show is by buying merch from our shop at StillTalkingBlack.com/Shop. We have all types of items including hoodies, t-shirts, coffee mugs, and more. Not only will you get a stylish piece of gear, but you will also be supporting the show and helping us continue to make great content. Every purchase helps. Thanks in advance.
About the Interviewee:
Full-Time Black Woman is your safe space for you to be your full self. Our goal is to create an environment where Black professional women can discuss the ups and downs we experience in corporate America and entrepreneurship while balancing our many roles and responsibilities in life.
Hey friends, I’m Esha Belle. I was born and raised in the Midwest. Yet I studied and became an adult in the Northeast. My corporate America experience spans a decade-plus of environments ranging from cubicles to couches. Along with my ever-changing career, I’ve been able to dream and grow fascinating entrepreneurial ventures.
In my free time (if that truly exists) I enjoy spending time with family and friends, traveling, and creating.
Hey, y’all! I’m Aleese Real, and the other half of the dynamic duo behind Full-Time Black Woman.
I’m a southern belle with a big-city style. After over a decade in corporate America, I’m a full-time professional who knows her stuff.
When I’m not working, I enjoy spending time with my family and friends. You might find me at a jazz lounge, thrift shopping or perhaps trying out a new restaurant. Most often, I’m home on the couch watching Frasier or anime while looking up crafting ideas and travel destinations.
Spotlight on Melanin:
I am still looking for new submissions for Spotlight on Melanin. Spotlight on Melanin is the part of the show where I like to spotlight a creator, influencer, artist, business owner, or activist of color. If you or someone you know would like a chance to be featured on Spotlight on Melanin, send us an email at Spotlight@StillTalkingBlack.com. Please include links to their social media and why you feel they should be spotlighted.
Richard Dodds 0:00
Coming up later in the episode
Aleese Real 0:02
if you only think well all I got to do is if you make sure you are financially set then you missing some point sir like you missing the thing if you think all you have to do is bring some money and be able to fight somebody, you you slack in that’s that’s not the way we have to have the conversation of I don’t know how else to build community without having a conversation. If you’re in the trenches with somebody, both y’all gotta be on the same page.
Richard Dodds 0:34
This is Phil’s talking about a show about bringing awareness and perspectives to issues that black people face every day. I’m your host, Richard. Today’s episode is all about what does it mean to protect our black woman? And how do we do it? To answer those questions I brought with me some special guests.
Aleese Real 0:50
Hi, everybody, my name is Elise real I am half of the dynamic duo that is full time black woman podcast will blog the Instagram at full time black woman on Facebook, full time black woman and on Twitter at Ft. Black woman there. I’m gonna put a pause on this energy so that I can let my wonderful, amazing toes come forth to the mic. Are you there?
Esha Bell 1:21
I am here Hello. My name is Aisha bill. We are the hosts and producers of full time black woman podcast. This is a safe space that we have created for black professional women as well as entrepreneurs to be able to come and get answers when it comes to issues you may be dealing with when it comes to corporate America. Just being a full time Blackboard parent in and out of the office, wherever it is we have you covered
Richard Dodds 1:50
is so great to have this energy on the show. So my question is something that I mean, I’ve been following y’all for a long time. And we’ve been talking for a while. How did y’all come up with full time black woman? How did y’all what were y’all doing where y’all was like, Yo, like, this needs to be a show like I got it, we gotta make this happen.
Esha Bell 2:11
Complaining about work. That’s where it came from. It came from us having breakfast was a breakfast we were or we were talking dorm breakfast, breakfast time, or something like that. Even
Aleese Real 2:25
I think it started then. And then we progressed while we were out taking a walk. We weren’t working at work, basically.
Esha Bell 2:34
That’s how it came up. It was just like, you know, what, I feel like a lot of issues that I’m going through my career is because I didn’t have the guidance or the help from somebody ahead of me to say, Hey, don’t do that. Don’t let them pigeonhole you a pigeon holed you into a certain area. I mean, you could be a Smee but you need to be a Smee and this, like, we didn’t have the guidance to help us really deal with the pressures of being sometimes the only one. But most cases, you know, one a few. And we were like, should come up with a podcast to tell other black professional woman, oh, don’t do that. But do this. But you know, and then it just evolved and and we were looking for different current shows out there and there was nothing that we felt like was saying, speaking directly to us, you know, we can give you some serious stuff, but we’re gonna joke about it as well to make it entertaining. But most importantly, he just wants you to know that we see you because we are you. So that’s where it came from.
Aleese Real 3:34
The one we just wanted to fill a void because it’s one thing to have the information out there but we wanted another perspective out there that people could relate to that felt the same way we do or that needed just not the dryness of the topic but some fun in there just mixing it up a little bit random rats, the awkwardness a little bit blurred in there a little bit of a funk in there a little bit of Hood in there, we wanted that mix out there because we just we couldn’t find it and that was something that we could do and just be authentically us at home. The folks out there could hear it and enjoy it right along with this and be a part of the community. Yeah,
Richard Dodds 4:23
so how long did it take y’all to get from concept to actually recording? Oh people to get to know y’all listen to reviewing if you ain’t listen to the show you this is the energy that you need to get to know so y’all can go listen today show. Well how long did it take? I knew it took me a while like both shows that I’ve done from conception to actually recording and then actually releasing. Whoo, I know I don’t even want to think about it. How long did it take?
Aleese Real 4:58
It was like a year Won’t it? it No, it
Esha Bell 5:00
was not. No, it was we, we started talking about.
Aleese Real 5:07
Yep, it was like six months, because you’re talking about it. We started talking about something else completely first. And then we moved into the pot. And then we decided that we were going to get it started in like, what? I think September or something like that, or August,
Esha Bell 5:27
we started recording in June or July, we the conversation came up in the spring time, recording in June and July. And then we say we’re gonna post everything in September. We got to push it back a little bit further. Okay, before the holidays, can people want to listen to us while they’re traveling home for the holidays? We have to so it’s gonna be weird. They’ll put you back, push back, and then all of a sudden in December, and we both are 22nd babies. Okay. So so we were like, We got to do it. So we were like, we’re dropping 1222 12 2219. And we just did it we just released about six months now. And then once it was out, it was a done deal. I was like, Alright, let’s do it.
Aleese Real 6:21
We’re, I know we we are competitive. We are both athletes. So it was like really important to us to put something out there that we like, all of us within my mind, body spirit was in it. And it was perfect. Like we wanted it to be flawless. Coming out the gate. And we put out something really great. Like our first episode and the little teaser episode were amazing. We were hyped. We had a little dance party by computing when it was everything. But I think that trying to make it perfect out the gate. It’s probably also what kept us from starting soon. Um, but yeah, when it came to December 22 It was like, This is it. This is the time we have no more time left.
Richard Dodds 7:15
So what is a full time black woman? What does that mean you.
Esha Bell 7:21
To me a full time black woman is first of all, a black woman who is able to be more than a light to just herself, but to those around her. People you may not even know their name, you may not even have a conversation with somehow just the way you carry yourself, you present yourself just put your smile your intelligence, you know your loving light that you have, you’re going to impact them in some way. What we believe a full time black woman should do is not just take care of the world. And that’s what we’ve been doing forever. Just try to be more for ourselves because we are so giving so loving, so supportive. We need to keep some of that for us. And that’s what I feel like we’re trying to do with the podcast is letting people know the power that you will. We know it is magic. Everyone knows it is magic, but growing up in a cave. So necessary depth to yourself. Right? invested in
Aleese Real 8:16
you. Absolutely, absolutely. To me a full time black woman, we are such a vibe like we are we are that everybody want to be that girl, we are that girl. Like, I am just amazed and all have so much and the amount of things that we can do and accomplish and have done and have accomplished and dream to do and inspire and want to help others to do like that is amazing to me. So the pod is another way for us to to put that all together. Because when you’re in spaces where you might feel alone, or you’re in those spaces where you’re not sure who you can talk to like you got us like if that we you because we are you and we we make a communist, same mistake. We go through some of the same drama and trauma and things. We have our own perspectives and angles, but we want to at least have the conversation and be open to allow other people not to feel alone out there. So yeah, that’s that’s what full time black woman is what we try to do is survive.
Esha Bell 9:35
And I feel like also most importantly, what we do is that we validate the black woman, you know where everybody else tell you just deal with it. Get over it. You know, just hush stay at your place, be the supportive cast like we know we’re validating your feelings. You have the right to feel that way. But how are you going to change that? So it betters you not just everywhere
Aleese Real 9:57
else. Yeah. And we hold each other accountable. To like, thrown out here all willy nilly acting a fool either. Like, if we’re friends and we call and you in the community, we are going to uplift you. But we also want to offer we’ll hold up the mirror and be like you see what you did here though. Like, I know where you were coming from. But let’s be better last. Because we we’ve been there and we’re all trying to be better together. So yes, we also focus on accountability, as well as uplifting.
Richard Dodds 10:33
So yeah, so I’m talking to the right women today about the topic that I have. I just think when you when you guys were talking about that I was thinking about I just had to have been signed up for on a show. And we were he was talking about a time in his life, where he forgot he was having so much fun, he forgot that he was black. You know, like, we’re one of the only races that have to remember what our race is because it has such a difference. And when I hear full time black woman, I always thought of it as like y’all don’t get time off from being a black woman. No matter whether you feel like it. I don’t feel like being black today. I don’t feel like being this today. Y’all are always full time always black and always want to as this something that it feels like what your show you guys embrace it really well. And just bring out the most beautiful parts of it. So that’s not gonna
Esha Bell 11:29
go back to that was a long one, I’m sorry. I’m gonna be interrupted you that’s what I did about your guests, he was having so much fun that he forgot that he was black. And you mentioned how you know we’re the only race we have to remember, we don’t have to remember they are going to constantly remind us we are constantly reminded we could be out here just having a good time. Well, certain persons get closer to their doors when me and target Park buggy from the store to my car. And she looked over, you know, you’re walking through the car to get to your car. Click, she didn’t click and just kept her hand for anyone look or whatever, and she would just sit in her lap. That’s how I’m constantly reminded of who I am. And what I am. Yeah, the role that I’ve already put in before I even agree to it that I’m voluntold to I’ve been voluntold my whole life
Aleese Real 12:43
times I can do conditions and didn’t agree to long like these are the terms and conditions. This is what you have to be, this is what you will always be. And if you operate outside of this, we got to remind you that this is, you know, this is your lane. Yes, that’s how it is. If you’d like what
Richard Dodds 13:05
we’re doing here, I’m still talking black, the best way to show your support is by liking, rating and sharing our content. If you really enjoy it, please be sure to give it a five star rating on Apple podcasts and a nice review telling us how much you enjoy it. And if you know anyone that will find this content useful, please be sure to share our episodes with them every little bit helps. And I want to thank you for your continued support. As black people we have a weight that we carry every day whether we recognize it or not, sometimes it’s easier to kind of forget about that weight, especially when you’re in community and you’re a good community because sometimes people in the community will remind you of those weights and they will put those weights on you in different ways the way that we can we have sometimes brought each other down and those ways but when you every time you add a different marginalized group you add another way so it’s like you think about being black and then you think about being a woman like those are two different ways that you guys have to carry is it’s things that as a black woman that you have to think about that I don’t have to think about as a black man. So I have male privilege when it comes to things that you have to face so overall Do you think that black women are protected
Esha Bell 14:29
I think black woman protect black woman first and foremost because we know each other struggles we don’t have it doesn’t have to be explained you know my husband loves to say he got a little ghetto saying what ghetto couples come on social media. What is what is something don’t have to be explained what is the same but y’all see people
Richard Dodds 14:47
understood does not have to be
Esha Bell 14:55
like girl y’all relationship horrible. That’s what y’all catch. Do your photos, obviously issues but I feel like with the protection of the black women are we protected the next question week by whom? I feel like black women have each other’s back for anybody you know? You You know you right? No, no. You will not.
Aleese Real 15:31
You yes, definitely packet you have to be careful of and watch out for the folks so far right that right? Yeah. But yeah, I agree 1,000% I think black women typically will stick up for other black women. First and foremost, because we like you just said understand the struggle we understand what it’s like, we see it happening before anybody else does because we’ve typically experienced it. But the apple like there are black men that are out there. And they are protecting us. I think we get the stories most often have them not. Because I just feel like there are a lot of times where of course when you have a bad experience you’re gonna talk about them when the most but I’m I’m I’m gonna say it like there are some black men out here that are they are for us. That’s what I’m saying. But the second part of the question by whom?
Richard Dodds 16:37
So how would you say the world treats
Esha Bell 16:39
white men coming to protect black women
Richard Dodds 16:44
out there who are going to protect the black woman?
Esha Bell 16:47
I’m pretty sure she better be natural but yeah,
Richard Dodds 16:55
hi. So how do you think the world treats black women as odd how would you say that the world treats black woman superhuman.
Esha Bell 17:10
You Elise that is yours like make your damn minds which I want us to be one minute we serve human. Next one. We’re superhuman. Which one? Is it? You know, you want me to be both at the same at the same damn top. This all confused. It’s ridiculous. You expect so much of me. But let’s at the same time you provide the least about anything that comes my way. So it was just oh, Jesus I those will be triggered on the to Newport
Richard Dodds 17:47
smoker fake cigarette right now. Yes. You know, I never heard it said like that like subhuman and super superhuman. I have heard many women, especially black woman say, I don’t want to be a strong black woman. I don’t mean that I’m just a woman, I want to be strong. Right? I want that person to protect me. Yeah,
Aleese Real 18:11
I’m a woman, I am each one period at different times. But I want the ability, the opportunity to be vulnerable to be soft, too, just to just be like, I don’t want the expectation to have to be a strong black woman all the time. Because with that comes, Well, you’re a strong black woman, you can do it by yourself. You’re a strong black woman, you don’t need any resources. You’re a strong black woman, like, I know you’re angry. But you can’t show that. Because I don’t want to see it. Because now you’re impinging on my rights and my life and things like that. So you can be a strong black woman, but be over there until I need you. And then then come forth, and then I need you to get out my way. Like I don’t want to see it anymore. Like, no, I’m good, strong black woman, that whole thing to me. And we did a whole episode on it were like a badge of honor. But it’s technically like it can hold you back is something you’re going to need therapy for because you’re going to take on more than you actually can handle and you’re expected to. So that’s a dangerous, dangerous thing in my in my opinion, just danger is I feel like the strong black woman schema,
Esha Bell 19:29
you know is more so as you said, either wear it as a badge of honor or a scarlet letter. Like I’m not sure I want people to already put me in the role being strong, because it’s tiring. It’s fucking exhausting. Like Jay Lee said Just let me be like it’s a setup is I feel like, you know, as condescending like, you just want me to be this way, so you ain’t gotta worry about me. But once again, I’m going to be the one first, or the first one on the lobby or supporting cast. No, I’m not doing anymore. Like, I used to believe that that was, as you said, at least a badge of honor. I used to believe that if I wasn’t a strong black woman, I will be letting down my mother, my aunt or grandmother, all my past is great. Oh, my God. Be vulnerable. She says she can do what she can. Like, no, it’s not that it’s just more so. We have opportunities today that our ancestors didn’t have, they had no choice but to be strong. And I commend them for thank you because Because of them, you know. But at the same time, it’s like, we’ll have to keep doing what we did in the past, just because it was okay in the past or necessary in the past, you know, to be that way, because of all that trauma that went unchecked, unhealed untreated. We’re carrying it today and don’t even know why. You know, because it’s the mentality of what people had to go through, that they still try to plant the seeds generation generation, because that’s how they survive, then. But we’re here now. So no, I’m not trying to be a strong black woman anymore. I’m strong. I’m a woman. And
Aleese Real 21:40
I think that’s the next move after this.
Richard Dodds 21:44
I think, I think as a black man, I think a lot of times, we don’t do enough talking to our black woman, just because you think about getting into a relationship. Yes, black Love is beautiful. But I think that as a reactionary method of not being protected. So many women, it’s like, Alright, I’m gonna take care of myself, I’m gonna be strong. And then when us guys get to you guys, like I’m strong, I’m good. But the thing that I try to do for my partners, I try to make sure that she can be strong for the rest of the world. And that’s fine. When she’s out. She can be strong. But when she’s with me, she gets to be vulnerable, because I got her no matter what. And I think that’s really important for us as black man to make sure that we are recognizing that it is times where I wouldn’t have to be strong, but she should not have to be strong 100% of the time that she’s with you, you should be able to give her strength just like she gives you strength.
Esha Bell 22:36
for it, and you sit my partner, yeah, my girl, not my woman, not My lady. My partner. Yeah, right there. So that’s beautiful.
Richard Dodds 22:48
I think it’s choice of words to you know what I mean? I just value like, whatever step we’re at, whether that’s just my girlfriend, my fiance, and my wife, whatever level we’re at, you know what I mean? I feel like at the end of the day, you’re still my partner? Absolutely.
Aleese Real 23:05
Yeah, I agree with that. And to me, that is a level of protection you are allowing the person that you’re with, to be to take the wall down, to be able to not be in that the the I am everything for everybody frame of mind, I am handling things left to like I’m I’m Boston all the time, because it gets tiring, you have to be able to have that emotion, that release and relief. And feel like you can take a breath, like a real breath, like from deep in the belly and just let it go and feel safe enough to do that in an environment where you know, the person has your back. Like that’s a big deal. I mean, as far as the conversation piece goes, that’s totally important. And a lot of the times we might be saying the same thing in conversation, but we have our walls and defenses up to the point where we can’t hear it. Like we can’t hear because of how it said or or the way it’s coming across and we’re already guarded, because we don’t feel protected by each other. So it’s like I don’t I don’t know if I can actually open up and tell you know, I don’t I don’t feel safe to trust you with this decision because I know how to handle it. I know I will protect myself and keep myself safe. So I am scared to let you make the decision because I don’t know what to do about it yet. You’re gonna be up to my level of protection. I don’t know how to protect me kind of thing. So is the conversation pieces key? And the whole idea of respecting and protecting your partner just goes beyond fighting for somebody, or you know, just financially protecting that’s all apart, but like protect me emotionally, mentally, spiritually financially, like all of those guys. And it shouldn’t go both ways. TBA.
Richard Dodds 25:19
Thank you think, I think you had a lot of points on what you said like respect is a big part of it too. And I wonder you think about traditional, especially in the black family, traditional, you know, gender roles and society the way that they treat the family, you know, for a lot of times for a lot of men, they thought that just being a physical provider was enough. And they thought that that’s all that they had to do. And you kind of talked about it before. Like we, especially as black people, we were told, like, you got to stay strong, you can’t let them see you. You got to be able to do this grind, grind, grind, hustle, hustle, hustle. You don’t need to sleep, Mama is taking care of the kids. Mama’s making a meal mama got a whole another job, mama, mama, mama, mama, mama. And we expect so much from each other. But I feel like society has kind of pushed us into these roles now. But we don’t have to adhere to the roles that society has for us. And I think it’s important for us to start to to break those gender, some of those stereotypical gender roles and realize that I always hear you say you missed the other half, like you want to reach the other half. I’m looking for my other hole. I need somebody to be 100%. Right, I need to 100 percents to come together, I need two holes to come together and make a new hole. And understand that there are parts that we have to do. Like, I’m not expecting my woman to cook breakfast with me every morning sometimes let me cook breakfast for her. Let’s cook breakfast together. Let’s do things together. You ain’t here just to take care of the kids, what am I gonna do, I’m not gonna take care of my kids to you work a job just like I work a job. I think so many people have seen so many different ways that society might say things should be, you know, oh, like the women stay at home and the man work. Or it’s so many different ways that you can do relationships. And life is really about you and your partner figuring out what works for y’all and how to support each other. And I think that is the piece that we’ve been missing for so long.
Esha Bell 27:22
But I feel like a lot of going back to what I say about the ancestors. That was how it was before because it had to be women were able to work outside of the household. And if they were just for pennies, now women have whole careers run a company CEO bosses and stuff. But you still want to come home barefoot in the kitchen. Right? Doing that too. And Clinton making sure the house is all looking all nice. No, you we can’t go based off of what my grandma my grandma have. So security count either never worked out. Okay, she gets a grid and he says kinship when he died if he were 50 years old, like so no, let’s not look at what happened in the past. We are so many generations removed from that for like, probably your parents are probably like the first generation of full time work people, you know, my grandmother, she didn’t receive workouts out of the house other than like, maybe jobs and you know, catering or whatever. But she didn’t have a corporate America position. So I can’t go based off of how she ran her household and made sure that everybody had a fresh meal every night and nobody went out to eat on a regular like, I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going based off of what works for us. Okay, and our lifestyle.
Aleese Real 28:41
Yes, my thing is, first of all, who is making these rules, the rules that are out there and the way things are quote unquote supposed to run who is making it because most of the time it didn’t come from us we didn’t make so if this if in this day and time we are advancing and evolving and supposed to you know have this wealth of knowledge that is out there and available to make decisions then why do we have to conform to this this one traditional way of what things are you have to do what works for you because what works for Tom and Angela don’t necessarily work for Darius and Nicole and won’t necessarily work for Elise real and her boo ankle work but Isabel and her man so it’s like figure it out together who you are with what works are y’all because nobody can be the best blueprint except for y’all. Situations personalities, thought process traumas experiences, they not all the same. So can we just clap it up for at least a couple of those very unique name this
Esha Bell 29:59
But how would like Darius
Richard Dodds 30:05
was doing it to the ham movements and everything?
out there think I think what you said was just so on point, though, and I think that no, not at this point, I think entertainment and now especially like social media plays so much of an influence on people’s relationship, instead of just sitting down and talking to one another. It’s like, hey, let’s do it. Like, I don’t know if people still saying this anymore. But it’s kind of funny that people who let’s do it like wheeling, Jada. Like, I don’t want to do it like that. I don’t think people necessarily is so hot on doing it the way they’re willing to do it anymore. But I’m saying, You know what I was there, let’s do it. I wouldn’t say let’s do it like this. And you know, you’re not even know what’s going on behind the scenes. Really, you got to do what works for you. So with so much entertainment, and media and social media influencing the way that we act, how do you what role do you would you say that that has had on the way that the world perceives black women?
Aleese Real 31:17
Hmm. Man, so definitely in media, there is still the strong black women, like y’all need to do everything, for the least. So that’s still there. But I would say that having access to social media, as a level of pressure, to portray a certain demeanor a certain way of life, and a certain experience, that gets the likes and the views and is considered to be appropriate, or respectable, or the factor that it thing, and because of that a lot of a lot of people are in it for they’re trying to do things for show, or also in just living their lives that opens them up for criticism, to to not do what it is that actually brings them joy and brings them love but actually gets the social media respect. So it’s like I think media is it’s a double edged sword. At one point, you can see people that are out there doing things like you and they can uplift you. And that was another point, you can see people doing things just like you and getting criticized and drug under the rug, and everything like that. So the image of black and white black women is either upheld or torn down if it fits what social media has deemed to be acceptable by media or society, because social media is nothing but society electronically. electronic version, a virtual version of society. Yes,
Esha Bell 33:07
you’re absolutely right. Yeah, I feel like social media is doing the same thing society has always done it’s just you have more eyeballs to read a situation that may have occur around 10 People not 10 million, so nothing has changed nothing. other day, I feel like your reverse you’re able to omit the negative if you want to as much as possible because somehow the negatives always go to sleep in there and go for the more inspirational you know, post and everything if you need something when it comes to black woman so you can create eight an environment that you necessarily can’t control in real life. But that’s also a horrible thing because you could create an environment that can be detrimental to you now don’t even know it. So it’s all about altering and limiting the negative input that you receive. But or just eliminate it completely because sometimes even though some of the positive can be too much Hey, I’m everybody doing good. Aaron my successful posts today social media shares and I got two views. You know, like it can make you feel as if you’re not doing enough and that could be altering to you who you I mean, how you feel as well as yourself,
Richard Dodds 34:23
and relationship. How important would you say that it is for you to feel protected by your partner?
Esha Bell 34:29
Absolutely. Then what you hear what you hear hear what you get what you get, but if you’re not doing protected me, you’re doing the same thing this society is doing to me, but now you even have more of an intimate control or access to me versus one person outside, walking down the streets breathing this air can do so you’re whimsical Hey, what’s up so okay man ate the cereal.
Aleese Real 35:09
I can hear it, but I can’t remember it.
Esha Bell 35:14
Oh my god, I can’t hear you. I cannot remember what up I feel like it was so but I’m not gonna I’m gonna look at it.
Aleese Real 35:25
No, but that is that is definitely a priority. And like I said before it’s on different levels, you are not just physically protecting me, you, I would hope that we are mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually financially protected in some kind of way. And it’s not just you providing everything and I’m just taking from you that that should not be it either. But it but if it’s something that you know, is a trigger for me, and you see it on YouTube or something and you watched it and you like, you know what I’m gonna let her know, like, I know, this is usually on your feet, don’t click on this video because I know it’s going to emotionally trigger you. And I don’t want that for you. That is a form of protection. Like if you are taking care of your bills, and she have taken care of her bills, and you are not creating a immediate financial disaster for her and vice versa. That’s a form of protection if we’re actually can’t be able to build together for my protection. Like to me, it’s not just you being able to get raw Ryan this up and we we good. Neither one of us should be going to jail. I love we absolutely we write in our diet, and we stay in that definitely gonna happen. And we not like, let’s just you know, there’s other forms of protection.
Richard Dodds 37:00
I think I’ve been in relationship on both sides of the spectrum I’ve been with women that have not knowingly but in a way that they carry themselves, they almost put me in situations to where I have to do something that could sacrifice my freedom. In order for them to feel protected. Like you’re gonna have them look at me like that.
I think at the core of it really is it’s kind of like redefining what a black man and a black woman are. And another like from that same that same episode with Devin, one of the things that we talked about is being able to as black men and be able to have that softness. For many years, we have not been able to have that softness. And I know, like we talked about ancestors, we’ve talked about it before, that part of that was that they could not have that softness. But now we need to have that softness, because there’s so much that we hold in a lot of times, a lot of times black man holding, and it’s killing us like it’s literally physically killing us. And we really need to be there. And not only that, we I feel like a part of protecting a black woman that you’re with. If you’re in a relationship with a black woman as a black man, it’s making sure that you don’t have to put those traumas on her. And she not knowing why you so hard, why you can’t be soft, and then teaching your kids that, like you have daughters and sons and your sons can’t hug humans and you don’t tell your children that you love them is something to that. So I really think that we need to redefine both the black woman and the block black man, especially when it comes to relationships, because we’re still in survival mode, a lot of us and we’re trying to get to thriving mode. But we can’t get there the same way that our ancestors got us to where we are now.
Aleese Real 38:47
1000 I agree with all of it. Like that goes back to the sub human thing. Like if you’re subhuman. You’re expected to just perform and labor and do the things and not have the emotions. And it’s like, we we fall into the whole thought that you know what, men are supposed to be strong. Y’all are supposed to be hard. You’re supposed to be this. But at the same time we asked you so how do you feel? And then like, is it becomes this battle where you don’t know what to do? At least in my opinion, like y’all know what if I’m hard and that, you know follows how I’m quote unquote, supposed to be if I get stopped and she played me, then I’m gonna feel some type of way and I’m gonna be even harder. It’s like, we have to allow each other to have those emotions and feelings. It’s okay. It’s okay. You’re supposed to they they’re, they’re there regardless. So if you are bottling up and putting up walls and just but it has because you can’t be vulnerable and open with the person that you went. Maybe Maybe you’re not the ones or you’re both need to go to some kind of therapy to figure out what it is holding you back from being fully yourself because your emotions and your feeling that it’s part of who you are, you can’t run from it hide from anything, it’s gonna show up in some kind of way, shape or form. So yeah, and I feel like people need to realize that it’s a process to this, you know, like, you’re not just going to be the perfect person and meet the perfect person to do flowers.
Esha Bell 40:18
You know, like, it’s good daily
Aleese Real 40:28
come up regarding but like,
Esha Bell 40:37
uh, personally, you know, when I first met my husband, he was the one who was a lot more vulnerable than I was because he was a therapy before, I didn’t start therapy until after we got married. So I can’t, I was raised by a single mom, I was believing I need to be that strong black woman all day, every day exhausted, pass it out. Today, because I bid hard all day. So it was a process for me to let down this exterior that I have built to survive, not thrive, survive to the point that got to me. And then, you know, starting therapy, and also just being with someone who allow themselves to be vulnerable, and it was okay, it wasn’t the end of the world was this, am I gonna use this meat, I gotta get through, can I go get God, you know, that mentality, and allowing myself to be vulnerable. And realizing with my vulnerability, I was also allowing him to protect me, as well. You know, like, I felt like, I didn’t know what it meant for a man, especially a black man to protect me I didn’t know what knew would have meant to protect the other day from my mother being a single mom raising a single mom so so it was a process giving yourself grace. And also being understanding of someone else that you are in a relationship with be to another, you know, woman or man or whatever, just realizing that they are bringing things that has helped them survive to the point they have met you, and just Yeah, evolving.
Richard Dodds 42:12
I think it’s beautiful that you brought up therapy too, because therapy, especially for the black community is so important for us just because we have the traumas that every human being hired because every human being has trauma, whether it’s mama, daddy trauma, whatever it might be things that you went through, but we have that societal trauma that all of us carry, every time we see somebody go from being a person to a hashtag, somebody just, you know, going for a jog and murder or somebody coming from the store, get and murder people that are getting taken out just because of who we are. And it’s kind of it goes back to the thing, like we’re just by being we’re political. And that’s like, we should not have to, I mean, going back to what we talked about earlier, you should not have to think about what color your skin is, you should not be reminded what color your skin is, and usually be able to just be in a thrive, but it’s something that we don’t. So dealing with being in therapy, I think is very important, especially to heal generational trauma. Because if you have pigment in your skin, you have some some generational trauma that you probably need to, to dressed in one way or another before it shows his way in a way that you wouldn’t want it to. And sometimes
Esha Bell 43:24
you don’t even know there has a trauma, because that’s all you’ve been around. That’s all you know, that’s normal to you. What do you mean to trauma? No, this is Tuesday. That’s what it is, you know, so it’s, I feel like black Love is beautiful. You know, even if the other person that you choose is that black? Oh, another topic
Richard Dodds 43:51
that almost look like it hurt you to say
Esha Bell 43:56
with a short bit what what the topic goes with the topic, because we’re saying protecting black women. And I just assumed black men protecting black women.
Richard Dodds 44:09
But that’s not the only way for black woman to be protected, right. I mean, it goes beyond black man. But I feel like at the point that we are, and he’s the star with black men and black love. And I remember like a quote that came up from I think isa Ray’s book, she was talking about how Asian men and black women are, like two of the most this year. Yeah, so that they should just so it’s like, either way it goes, you know whether a black woman or a black man chooses to date outside your race, the world is still gonna see you as a black person and the world. I mean, this is not like protecting black woman. It’s not a black woman issue. It’s not a black issue. It is a world issue. Because no matter where y’all are, whether you enter relationship Out of relationship, you should feel protected. And not only that you should feel free to express the full fullness of yourself.
Esha Bell 45:09
The full time black woman for absolutely, when you have to love ourselves too, we have to love ourselves first go on Spectrum, I need to come and fix you bad that hard. Nobody Ain’t nobody coming to save you or fix you. You gotta fix it yourself first. If not, you won’t be able to receive the love that somebody’s trying to provide for
Richard Dodds 45:31
you. That’s so important to you. You just like hit the nail on the head.
Esha Bell 45:38
At least she got this. And this is surgeon. Serial. Yeah.
Richard Dodds 45:46
Oh, there it is. Oh, you just thought about?
So what do you what do you two think is the next step for making sure that our black women are protected because black women are all already one of the most, the most and America educated group of individuals, right? And now I feel like people are really starting to recognize the gift that black women are. So what what is that next step on getting across the finish line and making sure that black women can be black women and you know, like even that the stereotypes because like, if you get angry, then you’re angry black woman, it’s just a different perspective in a way that black women are seeing. It’s hurtful to see to and, and I’m sure that I’m guilty of it, I’m sure like most people are feeding into these stereotypes too, just because we get fed it so much. We do it and advertently. And we kind of got to be more aware of it. So what do both of you feel like, the next step is for making sure that black woman has the ability. And I feel like this goes into being protected, but has the ability where they can feel comfortable being 100% their authentic selves at all times.
Esha Bell 47:08
You just got to take your own self to church, you know, like, oh, we had a come to Jesus moment. You have a personal come to Jesus moment. Like, I feel like you have to realize that no one will truly accept or respect you. If you don’t do it yourself is a tough, tough, draining, emotional, drastic process. But it has to happen. If not, you’re going to be fitting, constantly fitting a mold that was created by someone who did that. But like you who was not thinking it was going to be beneficial to you. It’s going to be beneficial to them is hard. When you’re trying to promote positivity and a negativity storm. It’s so hard no matter how hard you try, oh, I finally get my life shattered. This little light of mine is about to shine. It’s like, Whoa, you’re black. Oh, but yeah, you know, you’re a woman, like, Oh, get the bricks together. The biggest part, you know, as a father to me, you know, I love myself. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am intelligent. Oh, but you’re not gonna get this promotion because I’m sorry. We’re just not used to have anybody who like you with those parts. And that page up being a supposition. You’re still trying to find yourself. I’m going to journal because journaling is something that helps me feel positive about myself. And then all of a sudden it just goes away. You know what, I thought you were cool and everything but I don’t really feel like I can see them. So married a black woman so I choose to marry outside. Oh, okay, well, I’m about to try to do something else positive. I’m gonna work out I’m going to eat right. And then all of a sudden, it’s you’re scrolling social media and a meme come up and they start talking about black woman’s like, it’s so hard creating positivity when you’re this negativity store. But it is possible. And it starts with you. You just have to protect your peace. You have to protect your peace. Like I feel like I don’t know if we will ever truly get to the point where society is going to be extremely accepting of us because society is based off hierarchy. And if we’ve always been down here, you really think about when plate shakes places with us and put us at the top and all of a sudden they realize black girl magic is real. No, they work the top and always have to be on the bottom. And unfortunately we have been at the bottom. But if you don’t even look at that you don’t even acknowledge it if you don’t even allow it to change or determine your steps for today and tomorrow. It will impact you is going to always be there that negativity store. But you get to create your own little bubble of positivity and peace in order to just be your full self. I feel
Richard Dodds 50:10
I wish I could have saw our faces while she was saying that. Because our faces we have so much facial expression. Because your hands are all over the place. You made some awesome points like, like if you know what you always say, you know what you wear if you want to take less, and it’s so important for us, and especially our black woman to know how much they truly are worth. So when they date somebody and they give them chicken nuggets, they’re not ready to marry them just because they Oh, they got me chicken nuggets. Right so? Well, yeah. Oh, sorry. I mean, it’s up to you go ahead at least Oh, are you
Aleese Real 50:50
good? No, I was just gonna say like, it’s, it’s about basically what you just said, Don’t you have to do the work. And in addition to that, there has to be conversations, you have to do the work and got to talk about it. So if you are building your safe space, if you are doing the things to enhance the peace around you or be the peace around you, if you’re doing the work to work through your traumas, work through your your insecurities, work through the things that have been holding you back, realize that nobody is born perfect, we have all been through things you have been through multiple situations of the same nature over and over, you are only the one common denominator. So start to look at how you can improve and build past that, like, you can only control you. So you have to do the work of being in and building your piece. And when you do that, the best, the best thing you can do is talk about it. I know it’s uncomfortable, I get that it is a form of vulnerability. But in that there is so much strength because when you talk to another full time black woman, they find the courage to do it themselves. If you talk to another full time black woman about it, then you can relate because you find out oh my gosh, we’re doing the same exact work. How are you doing that? Oh, I’m doing it this way. How are you doing it? I’m doing it this way. Never did that before. So let’s do this together. Like you create a network, you create growth and you create so much. Just positivity around around y’all now that it builds and it inspires others. And not only are you talking to other full time Black Mamba, but you’re talking to our men, like y’all talking to the people that we hope would protect us to. And when you’re having those conversations, like we can’t expect people to just know how to protect us all the time. Because it’s been proven, y’all don’t always understand where we come from, don’t always understand what it is we go through because you don’t have to deal with every single thing that we go through. Like the idea of me going into my office wearing something that I will wear to the club. I can’t do that. I mean, to a certain extent. Yeah, we all know that. But like if I go in there with like, tight skirt and tight shirt and my butt ends on button, and then Jeff comes and hits on me like somebody might be like, Well, I mean, look at what you’re wearing. But then if I had well maybe I’m just comfortable like why did he feel the need to be able to hit on me because I’m dressed this way it’s a whole thing. I just have those conversations with with who we want to protect us like explaining ourselves a little bit so that y’all understand because if you only think well all I got to do is give make sure you are financially set then you missing some point sir like you missing the thing. If you think all you have to do is bring some money and be able to fight somebody, you you slack in that’s not the way we have to have the conversations. I don’t know how else to build community without having a conversation. If you’re in the trenches with somebody, both y’all gotta be on the same page. Y’all got to know where the bombs are come in, what direction to war going in, in order to survive and make it and thrive and win the war. So why are we not while we turn the walkie talkies off? I just don’t we can’t turn the walkie talkie conversation and listen to the talk and listen
Esha Bell 54:59
to Just be compensated.
Aleese Real 55:05
Like, don’t be talking just to be arguing. Don’t do that. Right. have a real conversation. And we will be so much better. I swear. We’re
Esha Bell 55:18
having a conversation with yourself first.
Aleese Real 55:19
That bar Yeah. Because no your points no your know your points and your values and stuff before you start talking to. So you’re not you’re not convinced to do something else. That’s not That’s not him for like, you don’t want somebody to convince you that you are less banned, because they have a more compelling argument. So you because you haven’t figured out your your points, but you haven’t figured it out yet.
Esha Bell 55:45
Right. Have the courage to be healed? You know? You are not perfect. Have the courage to be awesome. Like no matter what everybody else say you should be like, yes. Be courageous.
Richard Dodds 55:59
I think I think that was beautiful. When you started talking about clothes and made me think about something that I saw on social media where it was a woman, I think she was working at Burger King, a black woman. And she’s curvaceous. Of course he had she was wearing her standard uniform standard pants, and her shirt and someone can claim because oh, she’s distracting my husband because of what she’s wearing. It’s like, you know, like, Yeah, seriously. So, so it was like, the thing is the like, we are built like black woman. I will build a certain way a lot of times and no matter how you can’t hide certain things, like you have to be fully clothed. You can’t hide certain things. And now you are you are sexualizing us by your own fantasy fetishization of black women.
Esha Bell 56:51
The Halls obviously you got to issue what you ate. You got to issue with him and he might have an issue with you to come home. I came to work the Friday next week.
Richard Dodds 57:05
I mean, it’s a it’s a tragedy that it’s not even just wearing clothes that you might wear to a club. It’s just wearing holes that are work appropriate and and people.
Aleese Real 57:18
Esha Bell 57:19
right. This is bothering me. Yeah, I need you to fix that.
Richard Dodds 57:23
It’s too much. It’s too distracting. You’re too curvaceous.
Esha Bell 57:27
Oh my gosh.
Richard Dodds 57:31
Dropping? Well, look, I want to thank both of you for coming on and giving and sharing your perspectives. I cannot have one I thought about this episode. I was like, I got to get in contact with the full time black women. Just because no one will bring it the way that they will. So I’m so appreciative of you coming on the show.
Aleese Real 57:53
Thank you so much for having us. We had a great great time. Definitely. Definitely we we love these types of conversations. So anytime you want us back we bet and yes, this was this was a wall. So thank you so much.
Esha Bell 58:10
We run our mouth MOUs, definitely full time black woman.
Richard Dodds 58:17
Again, I would like to thank my guests, at least rail and Isha Bell are full time black women podcast. You can find that podcast on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. You can also find out more about them at full time black woman.com. So again, everyone thanks for listening. Still talking black as a crown culture media LLC production is produced by me. Richard Dodds and our theme music was created by the DJ blue. Please make sure to rate and subscribe to the show on your favorite podcasting app. You can follow the show on Instagram at still talking black and you can follow my personal account at Dark Zone and as D O D D S I S. You can find out more about the show us still talking blog.com where you’ll find previous episodes, Episode transcriptions and a link to the shop. So again, thanks for listening, and until next time, keep talking
Transcribed by https://otter.ai