Embracing Blackness in Interracial Love: A Conversation with Kendra

Richard Dodds:
0:00

This is Still Talking Black, a show where we discuss issues affecting blackness from a black point of view. I'm your host, richard Dyes. On today's episode, I'm joined by friend of the show, kendra, where we talk about being pro-black but also being engaged or married to someone of a different race. How does that balance out? How do you still stay pro-black, and what kind of issues and challenges do you have to go through in dealing with that? So, without further ado, here's Kendra.

Kendra:
0:26

Hey everybody, I'm Kendra, formerly asked coffee with Kendra and I'm not really podcasting anymore, but I still love podcasting. So I'm doing this show with Rick. I'm super excited and I guess any updates. If anybody followed coffee with Kendra, I got a new baby and I'm engaged.

Richard Dodds:
0:46

Congratulations.

Kendra:
0:48

Thank you.

Richard Dodds:
0:49

Like I haven't said that a hundred times already, but you know, I know I said former podcasting. Now, when I said former podcasting before, you gave me a hard time.

Kendra:
1:01

No, I actually said formerly known.

Richard Dodds:
1:04

I never said, I stopped. Formerly known.

Kendra:
1:06

Okay.

Richard Dodds:
1:08

So this conversation really started from a meme that I saw on the internet, and it's like so long ago now, like I just remember. It was a black woman who was dating a white man and she was saying that she's still the most Afrocentric person you know and you are one of the most Afrocentric people I know, and you just all happened to be engaged to a white man. So I was like, man, we need to have a conversation about this, because you're super Afrocentric. I want to see how you feel. So we'll just start out real easy and I'll ask you do you think love is blind and I know we've talked about that question before, not necessarily on this show but when you're dating, were you looking for a type of man that you wanted or were you just kind of like, open to dating whoever?

Kendra:
1:55

Yeah, so that's a good question. Of course, all your questions are going to be good, so I'll try not to say it again.

Richard Dodds:
2:03

Thank you, thank you.

Kendra:
2:04

But up until okay. So before I got engaged, I was looking for a specific type of man. I would I have my. My goal or my ideal was to marry a black man. But before, before, I was like pro black basically because I wasn't like, I was really kind of like oblivious to black. You know I don't know how to describe it like black culture, I guess. You know, I what didn't really grow up with like like pro black parents or anything like that, so I was kind of like I don't even know what to call people like that. But anyways, I grew up and when I grew up I was not pro black. So my first love, my first boyfriend, is my fiance, and so there was that. And once, I think the pro blackness came, I would say I think I was like 33 or something, 33, 34. My birthday is next Monday, by the way, and I'll be 37. I don't know how long she's been black, I don't even know why I got into that, but anyways, the pro blackness came in the most recent years and so before me and him got back together, I was like, yeah, I'm marrying a black man, like and I was only dating black men, but then that happened. So now I'm back with, you know, my first love, which is a white guy.

Richard Dodds:
3:42

What made that change when you started to become more Afrocentric and you started to post like? Your posts became different, your speech became different. What made you say, like okay, like I was open to everything at one point in time, but now I specifically want to find a black man.

Kendra:
3:57

Well, you know, one of the things that made me want to do that was looking at the, looking at black relationships in our community and seeing that not to say that none of them are good, like you know, like I love seeing black love, you know, to black people that you know, figured it out and you know are getting married and all of that good stuff, like I love to see that. But it's a lot of black men who are not loved correctly by black women and not to say that you know that's not vice versa for women. But you know, this is what I'm thinking and you know I'm. I feel like I wanted to. I don't want to say I wanted to experience that, but I thought that that would be me For lack of a better words like that would be me doing my duty for the community. Like I thought, like okay, I'm a great black woman and so I should marry a black man, you know. So that's kind of what it was, yeah.

Richard Dodds:
5:00

That's what changed your mind. What types of things that your friends and family say when, you like, started dating your non fiance were they? Were they surprised?

Kendra:
5:10

Were they supportive or Well, they wasn't surprised because, like I said, that was my first boyfriend and you know, I guess, the way that my family looked at it like even when we broke up, they knew that we still loved each other. So for it to come back together, I think I think for the most part everybody's, you know, pretty happy for me and they. But no surprise, because every everybody that I told they was like we knew that would happen.

Richard Dodds:
5:42

Does dating outside of your race make you feel disconnected from the culture, now that you're so Afrocentric? Do you feel like, maybe does it feel like any any little bit of like a betrayal to your culture? Or?

Kendra:
5:54

I feel like me. I don't feel like I've betrayed my culture, because I say this all the time, even before I got back with him that no matter who I marry, I'm still going to be black. So why would I not want what's best for black people? You know what I'm saying. I'm still black, it doesn't matter, right? So that's how I feel. But I do feel like the community as a whole, because I've seen and heard plenty of people say that, you know, if you are dating, or even dating, breeding or whatever with another race, then yes, that is a betrayal to the black culture, because we're not staying together and we're not keeping the community together and we're not continuing to breed African people, you know. So I don't feel that way, but I think the community looks at me that way.

Richard Dodds:
6:46

And I think a lot we kind of talked about it on the series the mothers of black sons, and it's like you. Now you have three mixed children and regardless of what they're mixed with, they're still black and the world is going to see them as black and that creates its own kind of challenges. Like you kind of talked about it a little bit, but what has it been like raising mixed kids?

Kendra:
7:12

Well, until they got old enough to articulate how they actually feel and come to understanding of what they actually are, I didn't realize that even some of the things I do and say could be offensive to them, you know. So now that they are old, at the point where they can talk to me and tell me you know how they view and they see things I think it's very challenging. I think that I would even go to say, even though I don't have a full black kid, I would even go to say that it's more challenging than raising you know, 100% black kid, because you know some things. I actually have to break down to my kids and be like. You know, I don't know how they feel on certain days or how they feel, but I'm like you're black, you know what I'm saying Like the cops are going to look at you like a black man. You know women are going to look at you this way. This is just what it is. So some things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I expect them to know and feel a certain way that they don't, and so I catch myself sometimes trying to teach them something, like, for example, my daughter. She went to her first, congratulations on my daughter because she made the dance team, so I'm really excited about that, thank you. But she went to one of her second dance practices last night and she was telling me that there's only there's one other mixed girl and there's one other black girl there, and because, of course, me, when she soon, she happened as soon as she get in the car I'm like so how many black girls are there? Because I need to know, because this where she's going is very, it's very white in Asia predominantly, right. So she told me that I'm like okay, cool, and then she was like you know, the black girl was like making it her business to talk to her and she was she. I guess she thought it was like kind of weird or whatever. And I'm like you don't know, when we're the only black people around, girl, we got to stick together, like we got to let you know I see you, you know we together here, and you know, like this is the type of stuff that I mean like for I think, for an all black person, you kind of just know that, like my parents never told me that, but then to have a conversation with my daughter, like when we're around predominantly another race. We always are kind of like stick together and kind of like let each other know like hey, I see you, we here. You know what I'm saying. So that I think it's been, it's been very challenging for the most part.

Richard Dodds:
9:48

I think, yeah, it's you get that your, your kids, get like the outlook of two different sides. They get to see like two different kind of like cultures in a way to to where, like being around, like for some people. Like I've interviewed some people and they said like they didn't, they weren't around white people until they were in college.

Kendra:
10:05

You know what I mean.

Richard Dodds:
10:06

So to have someone that, like already, is like you can't help but being around something that's not black, because you're not 100% You're, you're 100% black, but you're 100% white, you're, you're like just a mixture. So, this is a whole different perspective and like it's just interesting seeing you have to like balance that and even find it. Like you said you had to find out some of the stuff that you said could be offensive to them, like that's something that you never think of as a as a mother cause you will never try to purposely offend your kid.

Kendra:
10:36

Right, exactly Because, for those of you who don't know, probably nobody knows in real life, cause I don't do it online because you know how people is online, everybody sensitive, and you can't say stuff, you can't make jokes. But in all honesty, I make a lot of racial jokes, mostly about white people and black people, because of my kids. You know, I think it's funny, like it's just all in good, you know, just humorous. You know, like if my, if my daughter says like you know, oh, you know how the season changes and it's about to get dark and it's about to start, you know, get darker sooner, and you know, then she's like, oh, I'm sad, I'm like, you know, only only white girls go through this seasonal depression. You know, you know it's stuff like that. You know, which, for the most part, most of my jokes don't offend them, but some of them have.

Richard Dodds:
11:26

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of hard because it's like I remember, like I used to like making jokes like that as well, and it's like now it's like I almost try to be a little bit more cautious with my jokes, just because I feel like we're reinforcing stereotypes, and it's just like it's just such a delicate balance, just because, like comedy is one thing, and like you saying that to your kids, your kids understand, but like if somebody else heard this, like oh my goodness, this woman is so racist.

Kendra:
11:51

And then it's like oh, Yopinase is white Right and him too, so, but that's why I said I don't do it online, because I already know how these people is, you know, and I just I can understand that too, like the reinforcing stereotypes too. But it's funny, you know, and I love to laugh.

Richard Dodds:
12:13

It's funny because it's like I even think about comedy and like I always say that like I went back and I listened to Eddie Murphy's Raw and I was like man, like 90% of this stuff you would not be able to say that today. Just because, like social norms change so much and once, and what was acceptable to laugh at in one season, like in one generation, it's like, oh my goodness, I can't believe. You said that Like clutch my pearls and it's just. It's crazy how like things change so much. Like a lot of times I would say it's for the good most most of the time anyway So what are some of the challenges that you had dating outside your race?

Kendra:
13:52

Some of the challenges that I've had dating outside my race is that they don't understand things that so, like, for example, I just go about my life, right, but then I'm not like that I forget. But then when, like, for example, if he asks a question about something and I realize I can't expect him to know because he don't know, you know he doesn't understand. So there's been times where I feel like we could just be like watching something on TV or hear something and I've wasted, it's offensive to say those things or to do this and he doesn't understand why. And so one of the challenges is kind of breaking down why a black woman or a black person would feel a certain way if something was said. You know, like certain words I have had, like certain words are just off limits, and then not to understand that you know you, you don't understand, like, oh well, I don't see how this could be offensive or you know, I don't because you're not that you know. So I think that's been the most challenging of dating outside my races that they don't understand certain aspects of just being black and having to have those conversations so that, you know, they can learn and they can understand to a degree.

Richard Dodds:
15:19

Yeah, it kind of like, for whatever reason it makes me think about, like a Denzel Washington clip and they were asking, like he was doing a movie and they were asking why did the director need to be black for this movie? And he's like he needed cultural understanding. Basically, I'm like paraphrasing he needed cultural understanding because he said there's certain things that you understand in the culture, that you don't have to explain and and so it's not like that's pretty much exactly it's. There's certain stuff.

Kendra:
15:45

And you know, I love my fiance to death. But he will never understand me the way that black people understand me. It's nothing. There's no book in the world, there's no explaining that I can do, there's not this, only so much that I can do, but he's never going to understand me. In that light and in the same, for me I'll never understand what it's like to be white. Like I'll never get that. I'll never understand. You know why they think certain things is funny. That's not funny. Like I'll just never understand. You know, and that's fair to say, yeah.

Richard Dodds:
16:19

Now it makes me think about something that I said. I was talking to a white guy and we were just having, we're having a conversation. We talked for probably like hours, but we were. I was saying something like when I go into a room, like I used to didn't notice how many black people were in the room, like what the ratio was, but like after so much stuff had happened to where, when I go into a room, I was like I'm recognized and like ooh snap, I'm the only minority in his room, like that's crazy. And he said that he had an instance where one of his friends is black and he said that when his friend used to say the same thing, he was like no, you being paranoid, like why are you even thinking about this? It's not, that's not even something to think about. Then he was out of the country and he was in for the first time in his life he was somewhere where he was a minority and there was only one white person and he said in that moment it all just made sense to him. He said I got it in that moment. And it's just sometimes. It's like certain perspectives like I always talk about, like as black people, we kind of carry a weight, a weight with us every day, and especially like as a black woman, like you carry the weight of being black and the weight of being a woman and it's just something that you're used to. So you already have a specific perspective of things that are always constantly running in the back of your mind, like your senses are already going and it's like to even try to get somebody to understand, like what it takes to be a black woman on a daily basis. Even for me, as a black man, I don't fully understand, like I don't fully understand what my wife has to go through. It's just such a perspective shift and I think that's like one of the things that I think is really important and I think that's like one of I felt because I've dated outside of my race before I was married, and that's like such a perspective shift, trying to explain like what is like. It's like yeah, this is like this hurt, like, or when events happen. Even so, how has that been like when stuff, when like events have happened like you know, like Trayvon Martin and different racial injustice and injustices, when that stuff happens, like how is that conversation in the house?

Kendra:
18:23

Well, for the most part, I feel like we'll be on the same page. Nothing has happened since, nothing has transpired like in media days, since we've been back together or even when we were together back in the day. So we didn't actually go through any of those things together, but I would. I would probably guess that that wouldn't be too bad, because I think he can understand. You know, when stuff like that happens, the fact that we're black is, you know, is the worst part, but at the end of the day that's still a human being treated wrong. So I think for the most part we can get on the same page about that. That one's pretty easy.

Richard Dodds:
19:02

I think for him. I was talking to the one of the last episodes of season one I was talking to to a white married couple that adopted two black children and they talked about the way that those things hit so differently just because it wasn't just it could have been their kid at that point. Basically, it wasn't just anybody Like you know. Like if you see somebody that doesn't look like you or look like your child, then it's like, oh, that's a tragedy. But when it is somebody that could possibly be your child, so I imagine your fiance has to has a completely different perspective of someone who is not, doesn't have three black kids. You know what I mean. Because regardless of what he is like, the world is going to see his kids as black. So now when he looks at stuff, I'm sure he's looking at it through the eyes of he has a black son.

Kendra:
19:55

You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly, yeah, exactly so.

Richard Dodds:
19:58

I'm sure that's been like a whole, a whole, another thing.

Kendra:
20:02

Oh yeah, so yeah, that that would be. That's obviously different from a white man that has white kids, right. But when you a white man that have you have, have black kids, and you see that thing, you like, damn, you know, this could be my kid, and then you want to make sure it, I mean, it's actually nothing that you could do, you know, but you can only prep your kids so much for life, you know.

Richard Dodds:
20:27

Yeah, we kind of we kind of talk you laughing at me, we kind of talked about this already. But, being a pro black, pro black person that you are, do you feel less pro black? They not side of your race, like I know. You kind of said no.

Kendra:
20:47

No, I don't feel like it because I don't feel like, like I said, I'm still black. Once I get married, I can have as many, have white kids if I want to, they're still black, you know. So for me, my perspective doesn't change. I'm always going to want the best for blacks. I'm always going to be proud of being black. You know, I love my skin, I love the skin tone. I love blacker skin tones than me, you know. So for me, it's not, it's never going to change.

Richard Dodds:
21:16

I got you, I got you. Has there been any unique obstacles that you've had to face Like? Does the public treat you any differently? Do you ever catch anybody giving you stares when you wish your fiancee or Absolutely, and you know what?

Kendra:
21:32

no-transcript. I hope he don't mind me sharing this. I don't think he does. But recently, like you said, I've been in the house for a while because I was pregnant and I had a terrible pregnancy because I was just sick every day. Every day of my life was sickness. So after I had the baby, and then I started feeling a little better, I'm like OK, I want to start getting outside a little bit more, and one of the first things I did was I went to this black festival and I'm not going to name the black festival either just because I don't know what could happen with your podcast, and it wasn't nothing big, but I just don't want to do that. But so, yeah, I want to go to a black festival and in my head I never thought of it. I didn't not purposely, but I didn't consider him at all. I was just like I want to go. It was a family type of festival too, so we took everybody, we all went, and within five minutes of us being there, we was already getting dirty looks, and I mean, I'm getting dirty looks from men that are with women Like you're with your black woman, and you're still concerned. You still have to take time out of your day to give me a look, to let me know you are not accepting of what I'm doing. And it only took the one time for me to realize I'm like damn. I didn't consider what he would feel like to be at this event, because to take him to that event is making him be one of the minorities. Because I'm going to a black festival. It's black people everywhere, you know. It's locks everywhere, it's black stuff everywhere and I didn't consider what it would feel like to be in his shoes Because to me at least in California and LA, where I'm at, everywhere I go is pretty mixed, so I'm used to, especially when all the places that I've worked has been predominantly white. So I know what it's like to be the only one or two black people in the room of white people, and it's a normal. Part of my life is to have to be the only black sometime right. But I don't know that for him that's been a part of a steady part of his life. So when we went there we definitely got a bunch of dirty looks from black people and I actually got really upset about it Because I just don't like feeling like, even though nothing was said. I don't like feeling like I feel like I was disrespectful to him, so I didn't really like that and that was a challenging time. But what I did was because that's my man, I made sure that I was constantly all over him at the day, not like all, not crazy, because I'm not that person that does PDA, but if you're going to look at me crazy, then I'm going to give my fiance a kiss to let you know I'm not giving a fuck about you. But that was one of the times where we had to deal with that, but on a daily. I would say on a daily, not all the time, but here and there, regardless of where we are, we do get those looks.

Richard Dodds:
24:39

Does that event at that festival change the way that you'll approach festivals in the future? Like will you be less likely to go, or would you go by yourself or find a friend, another black friend to go with? Like how does that change your approach?

Kendra:
24:56

Well, OK, so if we take out the fact that it was a black, well, let's take out the fact that I don't think they were accepting of our relationship there. I was underwhelmed with the festival altogether, so that was. And it was really disappointing to me because I came there and I'm like I'm going to support black businesses. I'm here to buy black stuff, whatever the case is, and I bought one thing and nothing else. It really felt like it was a garage sale, so I wasn't excited about that. So that particular one I won't go to. But to answer your question, because I don't know if I did is now that I know how it puts him in like an awkward or uncomfortable position. I still want to go. I still want to go to different ones and experience different black festivals, but I don't want him to feel a certain way. So I probably won't go with him and I feel like that kind of sucks because I don't want to. On one hand, I don't want to feel like, oh, I can't deal with my black community because of the way that they treat my man, and then, on the other hand, I feel like, well, I want to be able to take him wherever I want to go, Like you want to go to festivals with your partner, right? So I feel like I'm kind of caught in the middle. So for now I think I'll still go. I don't want to write off all of the black festivals, but I think for now I might still go. But I'm in the middle, but I don't know if that's a real answer.

Richard Dodds:
26:34

So you haven't really figured it out yet. You still trying to figure out how you're going to.

Kendra:
26:38

Yeah, like you know what that's the most. That's so challenging of just a thought, like you know, because I shouldn't have to pick. If I go to a white and this is the thing when I say we get dirty looks, it's always from black people. I haven't yet to get a dirty look from white people or anybody else. It's always from us. And so it sucks to have to feel like, if I don't go, on betraying the black community, but then if I, if I go, I don't want to say I'm betraying my fiance, but I don't want to feel like he's left behind either. So that's really hard.

Richard Dodds:
27:22

Yeah, I see it's like, just looking at your face, it looks like you're battling with it back and forth, because I mean, in a sense, like I feel you don't want to back down, just because it's like I don't want to, not want to go to a black festival because I got to worry about how they gonna look at my fiance. Yeah, and I don't also want to leave my fiance home because I'm working about how they gonna look at him yeah it's such a pushing pool and it's a hard thing to figure out and you know from our conversation before, like on on our other episode you kind of talked about like the way the acceptance from the black community has not always been the greatest, like when it comes to your kids, mm, hmm, oh yeah, so it's like this is like this is another thing, like so I guess, have you been in any like primarily white environments with your fiance and how has that been different from being in that primarily black festival?

Kendra:
28:12

I don't know if we've been anywhere outside of, like his family, you know.

Richard Dodds:
28:20

But I can.

Kendra:
28:21

I can even use that as an example for his family. Yeah, I do feel I don't want to. I can't say I feel like him because, like I said, I'm used to having to. You know, I'm used to being one of the only blacks in a lot of places, so I don't think it bothered me as much and obviously it was his family, so obviously we're not going to get dirty looks and etc. So, yeah, I don't, I can't. I don't think we've had a comparison moment.

Richard Dodds:
28:52

Yeah, I mean you say you know you want to get dirty looks. It's like some, some of the women I dated. I don't know if I could have been around their family. You know what I mean. Just because bringing somebody outside of the race is sometimes unheard of Like yeah. I know somebody who's dating outside of, outside of his race, and for the longest time he didn't meet his girlfriend's father, just because she was not 100% sure that her father would be accepting of him.

Kendra:
29:19

Yeah.

Richard Dodds:
29:20

And like whenever I had, whenever I dated outside of my race in the past, the looks that I got was always like the looks that I got always came from white men and black women Like those like black women look mad and white men look mad. So that was my experience, but it's like that's been years ago for me. I'm happily married, so um yeah, but that was just my experience. It's always somebody else not going to be happy. I mean, you could have dated inside your race and people wouldn't have been happy too.

Kendra:
29:51

So oh yeah, like I'm not at all at a place where I'm, like I wish I would have you know, got engaged to somebody else. So I was going to marry somebody else because I have no doubts in my mind that that's my person. So, regardless of what I feel like dating him, like I would, I never feel like, you know, my life would have been easier. You know, whatever the case is Like, I'm totally um, I don't want to accept it, I don't want to say accept him, but, like you know, I'm ready for whatever comes our way.

Richard Dodds:
30:24

Yeah, what do you think about some of the stereotypes that when people date interracially, that they get like, especially like when a black woman dates like a white man. It's like, oh, she's trying to come up, or you know?

Kendra:
30:37

she thinks she's better Like.

Richard Dodds:
30:39

what do you think about some of those stereotypes?

Kendra:
30:41

You know what, like I'm not even gonna lie, I know that there's women who date white men because they want to. There's black women who date white men because they want to come up. Like I'm not even gonna sit here and lie, they, they're out there. So that's really a thing and the way that I feel about it is one if a woman in the light, if a woman wants to be a user right, so whether she wants to get pregnant by a rapper or she wants to date a white man, you know, who has as well off, or a black man as well off, and she's in it For the sole purpose of coming up in life. That's one thing. But I always say this because I have dated, aside from my fiance, I've dated a couple other. I've dated other white men too. What I will say is that some, some black women, like they have the, I guess, the ideal that a white man is going to one automatically treat you better and then, two, they're just better off in life. Just, you know, as far as, as far as like financially, finances, goes and that's not always the case you can't just assume you know that because you, with a white dude, you're going to get treated better or et cetera. And I don't like how they. I don't like how they write off black men too, like oh, you know he's treat this white dude treats me like this. And then you know I wasn't getting because I've seen it, because you know I was not heavily. But like TikTok is my thing. When I have a minute to be on TikTok and I see some of the stuff that the girls are saying and it's like you know well, black man wasn't treating me like this. Or they'll say, like the. You know the dating pool with black men is sucking and they're going to like try a different race or whatever the case is. If you want to try another race, that's cool, do your thing. Like obviously I don't care. But I'm not cool with with down talking black men just because you haven't come across one or you haven't put yourself in a position to be around or date good black men to write off. All black men are, you know, the lesser competitor when it comes to men and a white man is better. That's the part that I don't like. If you're going to be a user, girl, that's you be a user. But I don't like the. I just don't like the down talk of black men, because there are good men, there are plenty of black, good black men out here, and I would even go to say that also just for you, so you girls can know a lot of, a lot of white men. They fetish size I don't know if I'm saying that right they fetish size black women. So they don't really care what you look like or how you act like, they just want to have a black woman and experience that. Um. So that's, that's one thing. And then the other thing is um, a lot of them too, will make you, you know the side woman because, again, like you was talking about earlier, you know they're not really comfortable with you, know their family or they don't know how they family going to feel about it, and a lot of them are in denial they self. They don't want their family to even know that they like black women, so they'll date you on the side and you will never be a wife, um, so you just I'm. What I'm trying to say is that Dating a black man is not the same as dating a white man, because it comes with a lot of Things that I think a lot of black women are not thinking about when they choose to date white men, and there is a lot of them that just want to sleep with a black woman.

Richard Dodds:
34:12

He said a lot. You definitely said a lot. Uh, I guess what? What advice would you give someone who was considering dating outside their race? Because, like for me, I grew up in a household where my, where my parents were like you know, find someone that you love doesn't have to be a black person, but just find someone that you love and like. As I got older, like I think, initially when I, when I was younger, I used to be attracted more to women outside of my race. But as I started to get older and life started to happen, it's like for me, like I was, like I need somebody for what I'm doing. I need someone who understands my point of view. You know what I mean. Who? I don't have to explain, like when something happens, like I don't have to explain it to him, and it's not that like I think everybody needs that, but like I was honest with myself and I knew what I needed. So like if somebody was considering like dating outside their race because some people haven't you know what I mean Some people are afraid and what what would you tell those people?

Kendra:
35:13

I would tell those people one don't place any expectations on another race, don't assume that, don't assume anything of another race, and date purely date. If you're dating outside your race, then you need to date, just like. I don't want to say like you would a black man but or a black person are the same race as you, but you want to date purely. You want to date to get to know that person. You want to get date to see how that person treats you, the way that you guys have chemistry, um, you know the way that you guys handle problems together. You want to date for those reasons of finding that person and not date because, oh, you know, he's white and he's got, you know this, this and this and he can put me here because you can. You can have one of those shallow relationships if you want to. But I can guarantee you, no matter how much money you have, right, because there's like I would say, like a rapper's wife, for example, she's lonely on a day to day, while he's out touring and you know, you know, and he has to be around a lot of women. You know that comes with a toll itself, but she, she might be well off and rich, but she's lonely, she don't have that person to come get in bed with every night, and etc. So consider these things when you are dating. If you're dating purely and you're dating for To see that person, for who they are, that would be. My advice is to date them in that way. Do not date with the expects, the exception, or expecting to be or have a certain lifestyle, and a lot of Sometimes, when you date outside of your race Uh, for example, especially with white men, because this is what I have experience with they may not feel that you are deserving of the same thing a white woman is deserving, so you have to be mindful of that as well.

Richard Dodds:
37:04

That's what I said. Like, uh, the things that I think about when I, when I date outside of my race, is that I wanted to make sure that Like kind of like similar to what you said, I wanted to make sure when I wasn't fetishizing, like dating outside of my race, like whether it was, like you know, asian, uh, hispanic or white, like you know, I mean any any of that and I wanted to make sure that they weren't feeling the same way About me. Just want to date a black man, just for the sense of dating a black man. I wanted someone who wanted to date me and be with me for me, and that's the same way that I approached, uh, everybody that I dated, regardless of what color they were and, um, because I've seen so many people, they like what happens is that Like, kind of like what I was talking about earlier, which you was like. I was saying like so many times, people will put a label On every member of a group. You know what I mean. So it's like we're so used to. As black people, we're stereotyped all the time and we're like yo don't stereotype us, we're individuals. But then you think about people, like for women, who are dating white men. It's like you automatically get stereotyped as something and put in a group just because you fit. You check that box, you're, oh, you're. Oh, your fiance is white, all right. Well, you're in this box now and, like from knowing you, at least I can say it's like I know you. You're with your fiance because you love your fiance now because of color of her skin, because I was like really surprised when you said, yeah, we got back together.

Kendra:
38:29

We about to get married. I was like whoa.

Richard Dodds:
38:32

Like that's a change up, so it's like I know that it was love for you, like and. I know everybody can't say that. So the thing is, when you look at somebody, you can't really tell what, what that relationship is about, whether it's a black couple or a mixed couple or whatever kind of couple, you can never tell what somebody's relationship is like. So I just want us to give a little bit of grace and be more accepting, because it's like I can never imagine like seeing, like a Mixed couple and be like, oh my goodness, look, you know what I mean yeah, yeah, right, because for me, for me it's normal, like even like when my kids, like just now, now we're starting to see mixed couples on tv, right, like a tight commercial, etc.

Kendra:
39:07

Right, but for me growing up, for us growing up, we didn't see a lot of that on tv. And so for me even when obama was in office. It was something that I was excited for for my kids, because it's like, okay, not only is he black, but he is by ratio as well, you know, because for them, growing up, they didn't see a lot of Like I said, in their later days now they're starting to see it, but, like when they were little, they didn't see a lot of families like that, that was mixed, and they didn't see a lot of kids Mixed kids running around on tv. So I was definitely excited. You know, that's that's exciting as well. I will say, though, I would like to see, you know, I'm happy for my kids and everything but I would like to see more black couples in on tv commercials like 100% black, because I feel like we see more mixed couples.

Richard Dodds:
39:58

Then we see black couples on tv I remember it was a, it was a cheerios commercial and it might have came out like four years ago, maybe five years ago, it wasn't that long, it wasn't that long ago, it might have been more recent than that and it had a mixed kid with a mixed daughter and the internet lost their minds, like they're, just because, like you can't do this, you can't have a mixed couple on tv. It's still, and it's still like a faux pas, like it's still something that's traded lightly. I mean, I even remember Like uh, will smith came out with a movie with margot robbie and it's like. It's like, oh, my goodness, they kissed. You know what I mean? Like two of the biggest stars in the world they kissed on screen and it was like, uh, one's black and one's white. It's still like one of those things and it's like man, let people be people. And you know, like cuz race is a social construct. It's not even like it really is like we're just at the end of the day, we're all people with different cultures.

Kendra:
40:51

Mm-hmm, it most definitely is.

Richard Dodds:
40:54

Yeah, I mean I'm sure as people that disagree. Oh, I'm sure as white people that disagree. I'm sure it's even black people. Somebody listening to the show might disagree. But Like, at the end of the day, we all gotta love each other.

Kendra:
41:06

Yeah, and I I wanted to say something about something that you said, but I'm trying to think about what it was. Oh, it was when you said um, you don't know what's going on in a person's relationship, regardless of, like, what race they are. I feel like I can. I can always look, and it has nothing to do with race. I can always look at a couple and tell if they are together because they love each other. I can tell if one person loves the other person or other person not really into it. I can tell if, if the girl is in it for money and the in the guys being used and he had over years for it, so I can see it, I've been. Like I said, just because I have a white fiancee does not mean I'm out of touch with what black people are doing. So I can tell when I can even tell like there's black people and this is there's black people, and this is something that I just hate and I feel like People probably look at me and think the same thing. But there's black people who date white people Specifically and feel like, oh, I'm better than the black community. You know, I got a white woman. You know I'm saying I got a white man. You know I'm above y'all now and that particular attitude I don't like. Like I said, if you dated somebody because you like them in y'all vibing and you love it, I love it too. But if you dating because you think that and it's and it's a lot of people like that You're dating that because you feel like this puts you ahead in the black community.

Richard Dodds:
42:35

I found exactly, exactly.

Kendra:
42:37

I found upon those relationships and I can smell it from a mile away. I don't, I don't care, I can smell it, I see it. Okay, rick may not see it, but I see it.

Richard Dodds:
42:49

Well, you're very talented, maybe you should have a relationship podcast, I guess.

Kendra:
42:55

I did have one, but you know, and I and I'm completely aware that people might think the same thing about me, but like I, I know in, yeah, that's just that's just one of the things that comes with you know dating outside your race.

Richard Dodds:
43:15

So, aside from that, is there anything else that we miss, that we never talk about?

Kendra:
43:23

I can't think there was anything on your mind. Yeah, the, the actually the the first tiktok that I sent you. That was one thing that I wanted to speak about too, and so Remember, in the tiktok, the girl that you were talking about you spoke about earlier and the girl I don't know if you remember the actual tiktok that I sent you.

Richard Dodds:
43:47

But the girl, the one I sent you one.

Kendra:
43:50

Yeah, you sent me one. It was a black girl saying that yeah, okay, but anyways, there was a tiktok that I had posted and it was a black girl that was dating. I think the guy was black, as was, uh, white or something, and she was saying that, just like we're talking about stereotypes, now that she's with him she's stereotyped as the black woman who is pro and a racial relationship and she doesn't like that. And when I saw that, I posted it because I said that's me. I don't want people to look at me and say I'm promoting, like I said I'm not against it, but this is not like. I'm not like, oh yeah, go and get you a white man. Like, go get you one. I'm not pro that either. You know what I'm saying and I don't like that. I know that that's a stereotype that comes with my relationship now because I'm with him. Um, just like to go back to what we talked about earlier. Um, at the end of the day, I don't care how white he is, I'm still black, I'm gonna stay black regardless, I'm gonna die black and I want what's best for black people and I don't want anybody to ever look at my relationship and be like, oh, I want to get treated like her or, you know, I want what she got because she got a white man. I got what I got because I got love and I got my person and this is, you know, uh, we this, we're connected and all of those great things. It has nothing to do with the fact that he's white. So I'm not pro that and I don't like to be putting that box like you was talking about, rick that box that I'm now putting in, you know.

Richard Dodds:
45:20

I I got you Whoa. Thank you, kendra, for coming on the show again. Thank you for having me again, I'd like to thank Kendra for coming on the show. Still Talking Black is a crown culture media LLC production. You can find out more about it at stilltalkingblackcom. But until next time, keep talking.